


Deus ex Parkinson

by playout, PrinnPrick



Series: Love (and) Letters [11]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Epistolary, Fluff, HP: EWE, Humor, M/M, Meddling, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-29 21:13:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5142629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playout/pseuds/playout, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinnPrick/pseuds/PrinnPrick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not divine intervention Draco needs, but the decisive action of one fed up Slytherin best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deus ex Parkinson

Dear Potter,

I am writing to you on behalf of my best friend and formerly betrothed, Draco Malfoy, who seems to be content pining away for you from a respectable distance without making his feelings known...like a pathetic, spineless twat. (He knows where I stand on the matter.)

I am sick and tired of his moping. You're single and apparently bi-curious. He's hot and irrevocably (and unfortunately for me) gay. You should do something about this situation. Like writing to him. Or, better yet, shagging him senseless.

The world will thank you. Again.

Warmest regards,  
Pansy Parkinson

******

Dear Malfoy,

Enclosed is a letter sent to me by your friend Parkinson. To summarize: apparently you pine for me often and she thinks that because the papers speculate I am bi-curious, we should shag.

I have one question: is it true?

HP

******

Dearest Pansy,

You are dead to me. And not like the last time I said it when you were able to reclaim my affections with your sincere and heartfelt apologies (ten dozen roses, a case of champagne, and an all expenses paid holiday at the Swiss chalet). I mean it this time. Blaise is my new official best friend. I hope you're happy. _He'll_ be thrilled.

Draco

******

Dear Potter,

How am I supposed to know if you are bisexual or not? That seems like a question for either a Mind Healer or a discreet rent boy. Or both.

DM

******

Dear Malfoy,

You know what I meant, you knob! You're far smarter than that.

I know what my sexuality is--I've known it a long time--so that isn't in question (for me.)

Tell me the truth, do you want me?

HP

******

Draco darling,

It is because I love you that I hate to see you all sad and pouty over a scruffy, guileless Gryffindor. It has been particularly pathetic as of late. Just take a stab at a good shag, get him out of your system, and either move on or get on with it.

Your Most Gracious BEST Friend,  
Pans

******

Dear Shrew-Who-Used-To-Be-My-Best-Friend,

If a shag was all I wanted, I wouldn't have reason to be "pouty" (as you so eloquently termed my melancholy), now would I? You and I both know I have little difficulty securing high caliber company for an evening. Pining uselessly after the Saviour of the Wizarding World is another matter entirely.

Usually I find your heartless bitch routine amusing. When it is aimed at me, however, it wears thin.

Draco

******

Potter,

If you know, as you claim, that I am cleverer than to have misconstrued your intent, you should also know that I would never answer so bald a question without some form of insurance that my reply won't be used against me.

DM

******

Malfoy,

Unlike certain Slytherins (nearly all of them), I'm not the kind to use blackmail. I promise not to speak of anything you write to me.

Also enclosed is another letter from Parkinson with a naked picture of you in it. I thought you'd want it back.

HP

******

Pansy,

You have crossed the line into serious hex territory. Send one more letter, photograph, or coded message to Potter and it'll be curses next.

I am so unbelievably mad at you!

DM

******

Dear Potter,

The fact that you returned what was supposed to have been a private photograph is certainly a mark in your favour. In that same vein, I apologize for the intrusiveness and ill manners of my associate, Ms. Parkinson. While her methods are wholly inappropriate and unsanctioned by me, her assumptions were...not entirely off-base.

DM

******

Malfoy,

Her assumptions? Associate? Being as she is your closest friend (or so I presumed), I thought she would know everything about you. I am guessing you're mad at her... Though I'm pretty glad she did what she did.

Truth be told, I am not bi-curious--I'm gay. I tend to keep it to myself, obviously, and dating is hard. So maybe we should take her advice?

HP

******

Dear Potter,

For acting completely without my permission and totally out of line, Pansy is not currently on my good side. That said, seeing as we have been friends almost since before we were born, I imagine I will forgive her someday. It will take a substantial amount of groveling and apology gifts on her part--she knows the rules--but your latest missive bodes well for her.

At any rate, if you mean to take her advice about writing, we are doing that already, so I can only assume you were referring to her charming assertion that we shag. I am certainly not opposed to the possibility, especially knowing that you might be amenable to such an idea (which was quite the surprise, I must say) but she was mistaken about it being my primary motivation. What I am interested in is a _relationship_ , with sex as but one component to a much larger whole.

Where do you stand on the matter?

DM

******

Malfoy,

As long as you don't throw out my beer or my wardrobe, I see no reason not to try, but it would be a good idea to get to know each other first...

I know we are going to piss each other off now and then, but luckily for you I don't require groveling or gifts--just a straight-forward apology. Do you make your boyfriends buy your love, as well?

HP

******

Dear Potter,

My love cannot be bought.

My _forgiveness_ can be accelerated with the strategic implementation of thoughtful gifts, as can my affection. But there is a world of difference between the two.

Though your terms are as simple as I might expect from you, your wisdom about getting to know one another is sound. I would hate to think you are only interested in me because I am gay and available.

If I might ask, what _is_ the reason?

DM

******

Malfoy,

Honestly? You're smart, clever, calculating, brutally honest (sometimes a little _too_ honest but in general that is still better than lies or withholding information), elegant, sophisticated, tall (I find I have more of the advantage being short than most realize). You have lovely eyes and pretty posh accent. And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous.

What about you towards me? I thought you hated me.

HP

******

Dear Potter,

If only every owl read like your last. Usually I only hear those sorts of things from my mother (and you can understand, I'm sure, why I'd rather hear them from someone like you).

I admit, I did hate you in school, but that was a sentiment born of jealousy. And, really, jealousy is just an ugly version of admiration, isn't it? You are courageous, loyal, selfless and self-possessed. Everything I lacked. And you had the adoration and acclaim I so desperately wanted, which I had been raised to believe I was entitled to. I have done a good deal of growing up since then.

I can now appreciate your qualities for what the are, along with the striking package that contains them. You are quite a man, Harry Potter.

DM

******

Malfoy,

So just the three? Well, damn. Looks like I have plenty of room for improvement, then. Those are good qualities to have all the same, so thanks, but a lot of people are selfless and brave--like Neville or Hermione. What makes me different? Besides being speccy. Unless you think glasses are sexy.

I happen to know (thanks to a certain female) that you can get (and have had) pretty much anyone you want.

HP

******

Dear Potter,

I will say that maths aren't one of your strong suits given that I listed _four_ traits in addition to your striking good looks in the paragraph that followed.

I do happen to think that spectacles are sexy, particularly the thin-framed ones you've been sporting recently. And you possess a couple of necessary traits that Ms. Granger lacks for my tastes. Mr. Longbottom, on the other hand, is more well-suited, but he is missing the edge that sets you apart. You are powerful, challenging, exciting... _dangerous_ , all while remaining intrinsically good. It is a unique combination of qualities and I find it alluring.

While I am able to have (almost) anyone I want, I haven't actually done so. You and Pansy make me sound like a shameless rake. I am more discerning than that.

DM

******

Malfoy,

I only meant I know you are capable of having "the best" among pure-bloods, so I found it surprising you'd apparently want me so bad. As for Parkinson, if things work out I'd thank her. I was tempted to keep the photo (it was rather captivating) but I would have felt guiltier about it every second if I did.

Well, if you were pining away and if you had limited your conquests to dark-haired men with light eyes (Parkinson, again), why not approach me yourself?

HP

******

Dear Potter,

I hope for Pansy's sake that particular detail was in one of her original two letters or there will be a particularly nasty hex headed her way. Regardless, you are welcome to thank her--I am not currently speaking to the presumptuous cow.

Can we agree to stop using the word "pining"? It sounds so pathetic. And is no longer relevant, I hope.

I have a type. It may or may not have been heavily inspired by you. But I had no reason to think you might ever be attainable, so why risk my vulnerable ego approaching you? One definitive Potter rejection was quite enough, thank you.

As a reward for returning the first photograph, you are welcome to have one of your own...on the condition that you are the photographer.

DM

******

Dear Malfoy,

Is that your way of inviting me over? And do I also get to strip you down?

I'd ask if now was too soon if I wasn't already booked. Hermione is dragging me to another ruddy seminar. Can I come over afterwards? Say, around 7?

HP

******

Dear Potter,

That is exactly what I am doing.

Yes and then some.

7:00 is fine.

Draco

******

Draco,

By "then some", do you mean that after I rip your clothes off, I get to suck you dry and shag you all night?

The photo session can wait for morning, when I can catch you naked and unprepared.

HP

******

Dear Potter,

How critical is this seminar? I mean, will Granger _really_ miss you?

Draco

******

Draco,

Well, I'd have to have a particularly good excuse... It is a seminar based on the book Hermione and I wrote on Tom Riddle and the rise of Voldemort. She is going as well, so I could weasel out if I beg hard enough and bribe her with rare books.

HP

******

Dear Potter,

She can have free reign in the Manor's libraries... _including_ the one the Aurors don't know about. And I'll have Pansy send her something pretty. Or practical. Whichever she prefers.

It's practical, isn't it?

Draco

******

Dear Hermione,

You know how much I love you? A ton. And you know how you complain about me fidgeting and yawning at business meetings? Wouldn't that just be _worse_ at a seminar? Also, my new possible boyfriend has rare books in stacks higher than if you were standing on my shoulders!

Your Favourite Auror and best and longest friend,  
Harry

******

Harry,

You didn't actually say that you are abandoning me at the event that has been on your calendar for three months but I can read between the lines.

I am **not** pleased. I don't even know who this mystery man is!

But if you are serious about the boyfriend bit, that's something. You don't throw that word around lightly. And I know you'd be useless even if you did show up because you would just be thinking about him the whole time.

So go, with my reluctant blessing.

Have fun. Be safe. Make good choices. And know that I expect a FULL update by this time tomorrow.

I'm not joking.

Hermione

P.S.  
What kind of rare books? How many stacks are we talking here?

******

Dear Mione,

We're talking the entire Malfoy library, legal and illegal texts both. I know we didn't go there under the best of circumstances last time, but they have an insanely large collection and Draco's actually sort of nice these days.

Harry

P.S. Yes, it's Draco Malfoy. Okaygoingnowbye

******

Dear Draco,

I'll be right over with fuzzy handcuffs and a camera.

Harry

******

You're a kinky bastard, Potter. I like it.

Draco

******

Dear Drakiekinns,

_You're welcome._

If you're having trouble thinking up an appropriate way to show your undying gratitude, a weekend at the spa will suffice. It is almost enough just to see you happy. (Almost.)

Hugs and kisses,  
Pansy


End file.
